remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
