I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can't put those talents on a resume
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
