I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this will be a night to untag.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
