I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
