I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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