Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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