Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
