My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
