i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize