Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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