Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
