...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
