you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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