Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
