Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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