Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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