I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
