you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
