the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
we should paint friendship bongs
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