Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He did a backflip because drugs
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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