you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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