just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
