Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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