he puts the penis in happiness.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
