dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
