M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
are you so shy because you have an std?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
drinking out of a sandbucket again
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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