I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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