I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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