i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
