I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
