you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
