i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
