Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
