Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
