shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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