what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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