You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
