I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
