She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
