She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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