i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
