May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
