I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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