i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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