Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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