he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
