I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
