So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
