Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
