"it" just moved
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
