I intend to get homeless drunk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
