I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
