the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
