My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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