I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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