We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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