OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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